


Virtually Lost, Don't Wanna Be Found

by oldfashionnotion



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, I've only watched the anime so far, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, idk what else to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 18:02:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16330925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldfashionnotion/pseuds/oldfashionnotion
Summary: He waits for something to disturb this peace. Anything. Because he doesn't deserve this, at all.





	Virtually Lost, Don't Wanna Be Found

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so very behind on Kinktober, but I had to write something and the new ending has been putting me in my feels.

The air smelled clean, free of the smoke, exhaust, and piss of the New York City air he was so used to. He looked around at the trees and tall grasses, replacements for the brick buildings and skyscrapers. The sounds of cars honking, chattering, and ringing phones replaced by the wind. The sun completely free to shine, lacking obstructions. The grass brushes against his skin and the wind blows through his hair. He feels like it's a dream. He _really_ feels like it's a dream when he looks up to see Eiji ahead of him.  
  
Ash is amazed by the pure bliss in Eiji's face. Smile wide, eyes closed. He wants to take a photo of it, make it last forever, capture it so he never forgets a moment that makes Eiji happy. Ash thinks that maybe Eiji was stuck in the city too much and hasn't been able to see landscapes as natural as this. How else could Eiji look this happy? How could he make Eiji look this happy? Unless it was a dream. It's surely a dream because something like this is not what he deserves.  
  
He stands there in disbelief because this is something he definitely doesn't deserve. He doesn't deserve happy and peaceful moments with the man he loves. Not with all that he has done, not with all that he has been through.  
  
He waits for something to disturb this peace. Anything. He's still walking down the streets of New York and not here, he has to be. A honking car will bring him out of this illusion, this daydream. A passer-by that he shoulder clipped telling him to watch where he's going. Maybe Alex will tell him to pay attention to something he said. He'll smell street food or booze and that'll bring his mind back. Maybe he'll wake up back in his old apartment. Griff still in the other room and Eiji all a dream. No, don't let that be true, he thinks. Don't take Eiji away from me. Not again. Not ever.  
  
He waits for anything to tell him this isn't real. He looks at Eiji wearing a white shirt. Maybe he'll hear a gunshot and see red seep through the fabric shirt...  
  
Maybe that's what's really happening in front of him. Eiji is dying and he can't do anything about it. Maybe this is all a hallucination and he's trying to block out what's happening. Someone shot Eiji in front of him and he's bleeding out onto the pavement. He's screaming for someone to come save him, but no one's listening as he watches the love of his life die. No one would help a murderer. Yes, that has to be what is actually happening. because he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve happiness. He doesn't deserve Eiji. A murderer doesn't deserve peace.  
  
Maybe Dino finally got to them and dosed him with Banana Fish. That sounds like something he would do. Convinced him that Eiji is his worst fear and that he has to kill him. He waits for anything to bring him out of his dream. To see the true horror of what is happening. Maybe he's killing Eiji right now, straddling him and stabbing into him. He killed Shorter, what's stopping him from doing the same to Eiji. Maybe Eiji didn't even fight him. Just laid there, told Ash that he still loves him and that it wasn't his fault. What if Eiji tried to snap him out of it, screamed his name and memories they had together, hoping to overpower the effects of the drug. His brain is trying to save him from further trauma. So he doesn't have to look at the dead stare of his lover's eyes. So at least the memory doesn't follow him. So he's here, in a world that looks entirely to just be populated with him and Eiji.  
  
Maybe this is the afterlife and they're both dead. He would follow Eiji anywhere, even in death. Would he even wind up in the same place as Eiji?  
  
Or maybe. Just maybe. This is real. Eiji and him got out. They finished their business and no one else is there to harm them. Maybe Ibe and Max told them to get away. To spend time with each other away from the memories of New York City. Maybe he's actually here with Eiji and they're together. No more death or suffering. Just them. Together. He wants to cry. He doesn't know what's real. He hopes this is all real and he can be with Eiji forever. He wants to see Eiji's home. Wants to also get to know the Eiji before he came to America. Meet his family. Do whatever couples do when they're serious. Maybe it wasn't a dream. Maybe it's all real and he really did get to watch Eiji sleep as he sat and leaned up against a tree. When Eiji woke up and smiled at him like he was everything and more. Please let this all be real, Ash thinks.  
  
"Hey, Ash?" Ash hears Eiji's voice, clear as day, and it breaks him out of his mental monologue. The older man turned around to face him. "Are you coming?"  
  
And at that moment, Ash realizes he doesn't care if it's a dream, real life, or an afterlife of some sort. All that matters is that he's with Eiji.


End file.
